It's all going down right now, in my head. I don't know why, but I feel no negative today. Maybe depressed is the word. Anyways, weighed down by everything and how ridiculously dense life is. The thoughts are actually not so bad as my memory of the last time intense thought sent me into a downward spiral. I fear it will all devour me entirely this time. I hope I wake up tomorrow and none of this makes any sense; that I'm just in some miraculously altered state of mind. Whatever.
The word post-modern and all that it entails. I can do anything stupid and simple and it can be considered "beautiful." I guess that's a positive thing. But I can put my life into something great and useful, and it can all be perceived as ridiculous. Our actions are sublime, especially since everybody has their own point of view on things. What's concrete? Do we really know anything? Probably not. And that really really sucks. We're smarter these days with all sorts of technology, and even journaling online is possible now, but has ever truly improved? I'm convinced we make up new devices to gain new experiences, because that's what life is all about. Even I look forward to new experiences and stretching? Is growing fulfilling? I'd say so, but we're never truly happy with where we are. So if we're headed in a direction, we've continue in it or turn around. We don't like normal, we want more, or the other thing all together. Am I content with happiness? I can probably figure out a way to be discontent with it.
Some people are constantly critical of my spiritual life. I feel they are on a mission to clone themselves in me. I'm stopped being so vocal with them about disagreements, but they want a better relationship with me. It kills me that I am the one expected to become like the other. At least that's the way it feels, because my experience has been deemed invalid, and my expressions of feelings results in a counseling session I don't want. Whenever I think about my beliefs, which is quite often, I automatically think, "that person will undoubtedly disagree with me. If they criticize me on it, what can I say that will end the situation?" I feel powerless because I've put some dependence in this person, perhaps for my self-image. I've got to cut that off and walk away. There is other sources for self-identity.
I'm slowly turning into the suburban waste I strived to escape. And in all the wrong ways. Things are feeling heavy again. I want to break free. I want to go back to a place where I am serving God every day of my life, and living with people doing likewise. I know all the people surround me are serving God with their life, but somehow it just doesn't have the same effect on me that the others did. I didn't know it at the time, but the DTS days were the best of my entire life, where puzzle pieces fit together within the framing of corner pieces, instead of floating in gravity-less space. Pretty much, pure liberty strangles my motives. But I'll probably write later how I want to be completely free. This is the confusion of it. Because I will contradict myself in thought.
School criticizes my faith and opinions. It's hard to know how to deal with so-called "evidence" of evolution, etc. I believe in Jesus wholeheartedly, but I fear one day I will starting writing essay with facts I don't believe, just to get that A mark, and turn my mind and life over to the thought of the world. I fear it'll destroy my faith in the future, because I remember my disbelief and how terrible it makes me feel. Like shit.
I think a lot about all the things wrong in the world. I don't think of it as pessimistic, just as hopeful of change, but I think I may be coming off as strong and preachy. I wish I could mute my mouth and brain. Maybe I overdo things. But the truth is that I feel wrong driving in cars, not recycling, buying to look good, using high technology, staying indoors, etc... And I vocalize to deal with the disheartening I feel over smashed glass on the sidewalks and craploads of plastic being stuffed under the ground because the products on the shelves need to jump into our faces. I don't hug trees in love for them, but if it'd help us from destroying our planet, I'd do it.
I don't need a woman. Today I wanted one, for a short time. I'm at my most confident, just not sure if the time is right to get into a relationship. But maybe this sort of thought will keep me single for the rest of my life. On most days, this doesn't worry me at all, since I spend more time dreaming of doing big things in my lifetime, and compromising for the sake of a relationship sounds crippling. At least in comparison to collaborting, by marrying someone who I can experience synergistic with. I'm not so selfish to expect puppy love to last forever, compromise will always have to be a part of a relationship, but for the purpose of collaboration. For example, I have a goal, she has a goal, I help her so she helps me. We sacrifice our time, but both have goals fulfilled. Couples who always accommodate each other are cute and surf relatively smooth waves, but they get nothing done. They're like a body without muscles. They sit at home and watch TV and snuggled and get up to get the other some snacks from the fridge. It's like post-modernism times 10; she says she doesn't have a preference, it's up to you, but you want to do as she wants, which is to leave it up to you, etc, etc. What do you choose? Whatever. And "whatever" is such a mind-boggling concept, that if it makes your decision, it will carry no meaning or purpose. But maybe I'm all wrong. Several people seriously or jokingly imply I need to get a woman, but isn't that just typical? Isn't that a custom of culture around here? Young marriage and kids. I love the idea of both, but if it makes sense. I'm convinced I would fare no better in marriages than most couples these days. Much worse, in fact. Not that I'm a worse person, I'm just completely aware of the consequence of binging myself to another. The love would be there eventually, but if I felt my freedom was stolen from me, due to pressure to submit to another, then life would feel very grey. Unless my wife was damn amazing and listened and consoled me. But then what would be left for her if she spent her heart on me? It wouldn't be fair to leave her to tend to kids at home while I went out "saving the world."
Life is so complicated, filled with aesthetics and debates. We're going digital and only love "The experience" of it all. I feel like this world is turning to shit because we know too much and use it competitively. And it results in deadlier wars, heftier desctruction, unrulier perverts: in summation, more hate. Sometimes I feel the world is a giant ocean of shit I have to walk through every day, even if just a block or two, then I realize I've made it, and am covered in it. Eventually, I realize I am what I trudge through with disgust. I'm a part of this, in a way.
For the first time in two months, I have spent time qith my best friends. And yet all we did was make stupid jokes and laugh, and waste time that could be used for other things. We joked about being mean and unconstructive. And it was absolutely unconstructive. What to use it for, I don't know, but it feels like there is omething. Because enjoying life feels empty. Am I ascetic? Not entirely...I still enjoy crazy and extreme things, and serving people seems fulfilling. Why does getting paid for it feel any different? And why have I received criticism for my acts of charity? I can see how people think I'm being self-righteous, because I don't lead a discipleship group, memorize Bible verses, hear the Holy Spirit when I ask him a question, pray about everything. But that's not where I am, and serving people with concrete acts of love is. And that's where I will grow from. I want those other things, but I can buy it from a convenience store. Gotta work with what I have in my heart...just like others.
Why does money make things boring? If I get paid to work with people, it feels forced. But if I can't enjoying earning money in serving people, how can I ever enjoy earning it? I can't enjoy my job until I focus on the task and and embrace it and love it. Hammering studs together is pretty boring unless I think of it as creation, functional, practical labor. It's using my hands as intended. And then, I can find joy in doing what I do. But money...it's a curse I need. So I won't complain I get it, just what it can make me do unhappily; it can coax us into joylessness by parading as being worth the suffering. I don't want to buy stuff for Christmas this year, in attempts to experience the way I feel it should be. But people criticize me for opting out. Does it threaten them? Does it feel unfair that they give me a gift, without my return of one, material style? I didn't ask for a gift, just their love. I just want to feel Christmas itself, instead of snow, gold-wrapped gifts and obligations. Jesus came. I just want to dance to some Mary's Boy Child, and have a vivid picture of Jesus in the manger.
I don't know. I wish I could think simpler, but it's impossible to unlearn what I know and remove the influence of things that trouble me. It's probably not even a good idea. I'm all over the place.
In other news, people are all ripped over recent politics in US and Canada, and I'm oblivious to the fact, but it bothers me to think that I should know what is happening in case we're all going downhill. Whatever, if our economy crashes, I'll just make what I need, if whatever, I'll just whatever and trust God.
I'll just whatever.
